You lay there in bed and toss and turn and can't fall asleep. All you can think about is..."
After a crazy ending to 2015, I have returned to write again...
I am not a good sleeper. I sleep lightly and awaken almost at every noise.
Sleeping with a partner can be hard is he has a bad night of "the snores"...
Being a mom to young children does not help, I hear them even from the distance between my room and theirs.
So, why can I not sleep well? I think its because my brain is always in overdrive, or should I call is hyper-drive? (Or should I refer to it as warp speed - inspired by Star Wars? Or was it Star Treck? See how my brain works?) I am just thinking and talking to myself non-stop all the time, and this most certainly does not stop at night.
Its not just thinking or mental overdrive, its also physical. Its hard for me to sit in one place if I am not doing something. There is always a "bone to pick" with my apartment and its unruly overflowing and untidy feeling. There is always some cloths to fold, things to organize for the kids, toys to pick up, dishes to wash, a washing machine to start and so on...every evening I can look at the kitchen with satisfaction, having left the sink empty and the counter clean, only to know that tomorrow is a new day with a new mess.
But lets get back to my hyper-drive brain activity: I could be imagining a story and telling it to myself, then sadly not writing it and losing it in the morning.
I could be thinking of a blog post for my online diary about my children or my professional blog, an then I do get up to write it, so I delay sleep and the written version is NEVER as good as the one i had thought of while lying in my warm bed.
I could be imagining a conversation with my husband, well actually a monologue to be honest, my monologue, and then its hard to remind myself that he did not hear what I had said an that the talk had never taken place.
I could be stressing about a task I did not complete or something I need to say to my boss...
Its not always stressful or bad, this overdrive of thoughts, but it always is! and sometimes I just want it to stop so that I can have some piece of mind, literally!
I dream of going off to a 10 day silent meditation course, so that I can learn to clear my mind and finally turn of the hyper-drive mode, but then all my duties sand especially my being a mother to small children all come back flowing and streaming and my thoughts are carried away and the brain returns to its usual hyper-drive state, until the next time I dare to pause for a millisecond to think about meditation again.
I do sometime wonder how is it that I have not yet totally collapsed into a nervous wreck! Or that I am not the most thin of women, considering how many calories the thinking process allegedly consumes. I guess I consume enough calories (including the left over food from my kids, any dietitian, experienced mom or nutritionist will tell you what a fatal error that is to your waistline...).
My hope is just as crowded as m y brain, so its not easy to get piece and quiet here. We are a family of four and my husband is a collector, so the apartment is overflowing with books, DVDs, children's toys, my clothes, kids clothes for the upcoming 3 years, LP records and to much bed linen...
I think writing is a therapy for me as an outlet to my overworked self and hyper-driven brain. although it means sitting in front of a computer yet again (like I need to do for my work) it is a relaxing and fulfilling activity. Who knows, I might be a published author one day...
Never give up! Keep writing, it slows down the hyper-drive if only fr a short 15 minutes...
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